A Look Into My Past
Sometimes I wonder how I can connect and find the people I want to help- the people that are struggling like I have- when it can be difficult to explain how my life was in the past.
It’s not because it wasn’t painful. It’s because I worked so hard to block out the memories that even when I do remember, it’s like I’m remembering someone else’s past- someone else’s family and someone else’s story. Even when I can picture the moments, when I have flashes of memory, it’s almost like there’s no emotion attached.
In many many ways this is a great thing. It shows that I’ve healed. It shows that I’ve moved on and moved forward.
But it can make it difficult for me to connect with the people I want to help because I think they see me so happy and so full of peace that think I can’t possibly relate to how they feel now in this moment. And they may even think that there’s no way they’ll ever get to the place that I’m at now.
I’ve realized there are two things that really throw me back into a moment with a full blast of emotions. One is reading or listening to someone else’s story. When they tell it, describing the pain and frustration and disappointment they feel it strikes me deep inside. It takes me right back to the moment that I last felt the way they do and how hard it was.
The other way is music. If I’m feeling like a really want to go back in time, I put on an old song that I connected to at the time and boom I am right there back in my room or car, depending on the age, and singing my heart out usually through tears.
I connected with songs on such a deep level when I was experiencing so much pain and hardship in my life that those emotions are unbelievably linked to the song.
Tonight I had a flash of memory of me singing the song “Grandpa” by The Judds. (I was a serious country singer when I was little). I rushed home so I could put the song on. It was like my mind and body were physically pulling me back to the past. The moment I belted the first lyric, I felt tears immediately rolling down my face. I felt the pain and deep sadness I felt when I used to sing this song. I felt the hope for a happier day and a less painful life.
It blew my mind how emotional I felt signing this song again. Mainly because I had such a great day today, so I knew these sad feelings were directly linked to my past and this song.
You may be wondering if I knew this song was going to make me sad than why the heck I put it on.
I think it’s important for me to remember where I came from, where my family came from and the progress we’ve made.
Our lives are so different now as we continue to grow. Remembering my struggle and my hopelessness fuels my passion to help others see that there is another way to live. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it is so possible to change.
Oh and just in case you connect with this song like I do or have never heard it, here’s a link to listen.
All the best,