I’ve Changed

Posted By Clare on May 30, 2019 | 2 comments


I’ve Changed

 

New city, a little writer’s block, still trying to change the world one relationship at a time


I’ve had (pretty bad) a case of writer’s block for over a year. My anxiety got the best of me last year and I just couldn’t write anymore. I struggled to do anything that previously brought me joy- I think because I lost of sense for what that even was.

I lost the drive. I lost the feeling of it meaning anything. I lost my sense of purpose.

Sometimes I just cried because the days just felt too overwhelming. Other times I just felt numb. I wasn’t sad, but I also wasn’t happy and I was frustrated because I wasn’t happy and felt like I should be. And then I was angry at myself because I didn’t know how to fix it or what I needed. I knew that I was lucky and that I had a great life and so many things to be grateful for, but I just couldn’t shake it. Nothing helped.


The morning I logged onto my computer and immediately felt short of breath and tears welling , I knew I needed help. I started therapy the following week.

What I realized was that there were so many things that I thought I had successfully packed away and moved on from, but what I really had done was just bury them as deep as I could so I could hardly even remember them anymore. I realized that my hometown had become my safety blanket and by remaining in my comfort zone, I was able to keep those troubling memories at bay. And once I left that space, they slowly began to surface.


Moving away from home changed me. It changed me in a way that I am really still trying to figure out. But I do know that it has opened me up to truly experience life with complete vulnerability. Do I sometimes question what I’m doing with my life and what the purpose is? Yes, almost daily. The difference is that I’ve started to get to know myself. A true version that I thought I’d already found until I realized there was so much more to know.

I was listening to my favorite podcast yesterday (School of Greatness) and Byron Katie was being interviewed. If you haven’t heard of her, and you feel like you’re triggered by old memories or trauma, she’s worth checking out. She has a process called The Work that’s focused on freeing ourselves of the thoughts that we’ve allowed to overtake us.

Listening to the interview gave the me the push I needed to move forward, to share, to write again- finally- and for that I am so grateful.

More to come,

Clare

2 Comments

  1. This is honestly something I think I needed to see this morning. I was just thinking about how for the past 6 months I have felt the exact same way. Doing anything but sleeping was hard. All I did was cry.

    Recently I just started to come out of that funk. I started doing the things that made me happy, in hopes to bring that happiness back into my life. And slowly, I feel like I’m rejuvenated and becoming happy again.

    Knowing that I’m not the only one that has experienced this lately is comforting. Seeing how you are coping makes me want to try new things and maybe give those podcast a list to!

    Coming across your blog again was fate this morning. Thank you!

    Post a Reply
  2. Emma! Thank you so much for your comment. So happy to hear that you are starting to feel more like yourself again!

    Post a Reply

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